…while driving

aka Common Sense Rules that Idiots Disregard

Rules about merging:

  • Both the merger and mergee must look out for other drivers.
  • This is not an opportunity for a game of Chicken.

Rules about honking:

  • It will not make cars in traffic move faster.  We are all stuck.  Deal with it.
  • Honking is appropriate when used as a scare tactic to get the bad driver to pay attention.  It is not necessary to then chastise said driver, flip him off and play bumper cars.

Horn blowing sounds silly.

  • Before honking at a person stopped at a right turn lane, make sure there are no signs that say “No turn on Red.”  Honking in that situation makes you the moron.  Also, you should pay more attention to road signs and learn to read.

Rules about cars:

  • Camries are usually involved in accidents, bad drivers and being annoying.
  • If you are going through a mid-life crisis, be a little more creative than purchasing a sports car convertible.


  • Country blasting from pick-up trucks, rap pounding from an Escalade, and The Wiggles emanating from mini-vans make stereotypes look bad.
  • It’s never okay to throw your food out the window regardless of the speed limit or disgustingness of vehicle. The road is not a huge garbage can.
  • If it’s a hot day, and my window is rolled down, don’t wash your windows. Your dirty windshield water will get on me. I don’t like it.

Rules about using turn signals

  • They are not decorative; they serve a crucial purpose.
  • Merging.  It’s the courteous thing to do.
  • Running into my car is not the way to inform me that you want to change lanes.
  • Slowing down to 5 miles per hour and suddenly making a turn is dangerous.
  • I have no way of knowing that you passed a parking spot to then abruptly stop and back into it. Further, do not give me annoyed looks when I’m too close to your car for you to finish your poorly executed plan.

Rules about what NOT to do while waiting at a red light:

  • Texting
  • Applying make-up
  • Picking your nose
  • Plucking your eyebrows
  • Taking a call
  • Making a call
  • Talking to the driver in the car next to you
  • Talking to your passenger
  • Yelling at your kids in the backseat
  • Soliciting a prostitute

You should probably not honk in this instance because the other hooker will approach your vehicle.

  • Eating
  • Drinking
  • Flipping off another driver
  • Honking
  • Yelling profanities at a bicyclist
  • Doing a Chinese fire drill
  • Phlegming out the window
  • Winking at me in the rear-view window
  • Checking yourself out in the mirror
  • Lighting a cigarette
  • Flossing
  • Picking up/dropping off passengers

If we all follow these common sense rules, the world will be a better place.  Thank you.



10 Responses to …while driving

  1. bethro says:

    It’s funny that you say that about merging and chicken, because California drivers are much better at merging than New England drivers. Think: chicken, but the point is to crash.

  2. Jess says:

    Nick is convinced that Massachusetts drivers are literally the worst drivers in the country. I’m inclined to agree…

  3. Trinette says:

    In high school a bunch of girls and I use to drive around with a “use your turn signal” sign to hold up at people. Probably making things worse for the rest of the drivers but making us feel better.

    Also regarding the “before honking at a person turning right” I would like to add that people should also look to be sure there is not a pedestrian in the street. I feel like I’m one of the few people in the world that stop for pedestrians at a freeway on ramp and I can not tell you how many times I have been honked at or almost slammed into. I do love the look on their faces after the pedestrian becomes viable to them and flips them off for me 🙂

  4. Courtney says:

    My favorite part was the things not to do a a red light or stoplight. I’ve seen people painting their nails. Are you kidding me? Amazing the common sense people lack.

  5. JR says:

    A couple of things here.

    Camries? Was that a conscious decision? It should be Camrys, yes? If you have two friends named Jeffrey, and you go to the mall with them, did you go to the mall with the Jeffries?

    Where else am I supposed to pick up my hookers? I find that they don’t get in safely when I’m doing 55.

    • bethro says:

      I think it is Camrys, technically, but I like Ashley’s spelling better. And I like Jeffries. And Jeffries like the mall.

      • JR says:

        I agree that it looks better, I was actually curious if it was consciously selected, or she just rolled with the punches. Bunches.

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