Alt. Title: A grown-up letter to Santa.
I realize the bulk of your mail comes from precious children from all over the world. I’m writing to you from a studio apartment in California. I hope this letter finds you well in the North Pole. You must be very busy directing the elves and eating scrumptious treats. On that note, it’s about time someone told you to go on a diet. There is nothing sexy about obesity or early onset diabetes.
I realize that it’s highly likely that I’m still on the “naughty” list, but I figured I would hit you up anyways. I know you’re hustling this time of year, so I won’t waste your time by asking for world peace or a pony. Don’t get me wrong, both of those items are very desirable, but I’m 27 and selfish. Here is my list in no particular order:
1) A job that I love. I don’t care if it’s as a garbage lady or an ice road trucker. If it has good benefits and I wake up every morning excited to work, I’m in.
2) More shoes…preferably designer (Brian Atwood, Christian Louboutin, etc.) I will cherish them forever. If it’s your will, I will never wear them and keep them on display to preserve their beauty. I will be like some 50 year old man in No Name Wisconsin with boxed action figures and a hobby of playing Han Solo. Well, except I will obviously still be attractive, desirable and popular.
3) A magical spell to temporarily make people mute. People say stupid things. If I can’t stop ignorance, at least I can shut it up temporarily.
4) More honorable, quality men for single ladies to date. I’m not talking about guys who think they are nice. I’m tired of guys with inflated egos and deflated personalities. I’m talking about actual decent human beings who view women as equals (if not superiors) and have the capacity to think beyond themselves. If they make us laugh and show kindness to our families, all the better. If they look good, give generously and encourage us to be better people, two thumbs way up. But, if one more dude wastes my time with his “good guy facade,” Santa, I can’t promise you that my Red Ryder will remain idle.
5) The time, courage and motivation to reach my goals. Yeah, I know that’s Tony Robbinesque, but seriously, make it happen.
Oh, and Santa, please don’t be offended that I haven’t visited you at the mall recently. I think we both remember what happened last time, and it’s not cool to get handsy with people just because they sit on your lap.