Everyone in my immediate family makes a Christmas wish list each year. Not only does it make shopping a whole lot easier, you are also guaranteed to give a gift that the receiver enjoys. That plus I’m super Duper RIDICULOUS picky and do not follow the “it’s the thought that counts” motto. You thought I wanted a shirt with a mullet on it? REALLY?!?!? Now it’s awkward that I have to donate that monstrosity to Goodwill, and I’ve also lost a friend.
In honor of gifts gone wrong, here are items from my family’s lists along with explanations as to why I will not be purchasing them:
Dad: socks and underwear. Daddy-O, I will sooner buy you Depends than I will go into a department store and buy you underwear. It’s weird and wrong for you to put this on the list knowing full well that you have three daughters who will never under any circumstance buy your undergarments. And, socks are boring. Don’t you want a GPS device or maybe a snazzy new dress shirt? Oh, you like maps and hate dressing up? How did I come from you?
Mom: Nothing. It looks like she’s getting what’s on her list since she hasn’t made one. Lucky you, Mom!
Older Sister: Williams Sonoma Silicon Spoonula. First of all, a spoonula sounds absurd. I have no idea what it is, and I don’t care. If I can make it through life with a spoon, fork and knife, I’m sure you, dear sister, can live without superfluous utensils. Further, Williams Sonoma makes me uncomfortable. Everything looks so professional and serious, and if I asked the salesperson for help (aka the definition of a spoonula and a roadmap to the Spoon Hybrid section), he would judge me.
Younger Sister: Vera Wang Princess perfume. Remember that time I bought you this exact perfume and you forgot who had given it to you, and you complained that the “Cheapskate” gave you the small bottle? RUDE! Never again, Twirpedo©, never again.
BIL (brother-in-law): Bank that sorts and rolls coins. I only have one reason not to buy this: he is not eight years old. I wonder if he also wants an ant farm…
Twirpedo©: twirp + torpedo (an explosive but unintentionally hilarious troublemaker)