…while at the gym

The modern girl is forced to visit the gym at least three days a week if she wants to stay looking her best (or go back to looking her best if she has recently pumped out a small child).

My Small Child

Said Small Child

Yet, there are certain types of behavior she must avoid while trying to tone those thighs. Here for you is a modern girl’s guide to gym survival, based on my observations (some I saw in others, some are personal) and things I thought of while at the gym.

-If you are wearing a visible thong and full makeup at the gym, you aren’t only looking to work out.
-The book that you prop up on your cardio machine of choice says a lot about you. Chose it carefully; I am looking.
-Although you should work out in whatever clothes make you the most comfortable, try to keep it high-necked. You may think no one is looking, but when you uncomfortably meet the eye of some old and too beefy guy in the mirror while bending over the bicep curl bar and creating more cleavage than normal, you know at least one person is.
-If while you work out you make noises that kind of sound like sex noises, people will either be creeped out or turned on, and I can just about guarantee the people you want to be one, will be the other. This goes for both men and women.
-Everyone knows it was you who farted, even if you are in a line of ellipticals.
-The hardest part of the workout is drumming up a fake smile for the girl at the check in desk when you are forced to say “bye” cheerfully as you leave.
-No matter what your intentions are, you will start pedaling the bike to the beat of whatever top 40 song is on the gym radio.
-Speaking of the radio, whoever writes radio commercials should be tied to the stairmaster while it is set to high.

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