I feel like I know you after hearing all about your wild escapades with Lady Gaga several times a day over the last few months on the radio. I have a few important questions to ask you.
1. Are Fernando and Roberto your brothers? If so, I’m really sorry that Gaga got involved with them too. You should sell your story to Telemundo. I bet they could crank out a melodrama where you are the Matador hero and your brothers are machete wielding outlaws.
2. What part of Mexico do you hail from? If it’s New Mexico, I’ve just lost a lot of respect for you.
3. Is Ale your nickname? Gaga sings, “Ale, Ale, Ale…Alejandro.” I think it’s really rude that she calls you that but then she keeps saying “don’t call my name.” Ale, it sounds like an abusive relationship, and I think you should get out.
4. What else does she hide in “su bolsillo?”
5. For future reference, if you treat all of your girlfriends like you’re their Dad, they won’t be your girlfriends for long.
I hope you come to terms with this whacked out relationship soon. Let me know if you want to just dance sometime. This is how I do it: